The concept of failure often serves as a fundamental anchor in the realm of therapy.
Individuals typically do not initiate therapy by declaring, “I’ve not succeeded” or “Could you guide me in overcoming my downfall?” However, these expressions often underpin their true motivations for seeking assistance.
Perhaps their intimate bonds have crumbled; perhaps they’ve not met the mark on a crucial test, experienced job loss or seen their profession off track; perhaps they’ve shuttered a business or struggled to start a family; perhaps their children have become distant?
Regardless of the specific catalyst, their reality has deviated from their aspirations. They’ve not fulfilled expectations—either others’ or their own—and it elicits displeasure.
“To ascend anew, the phoenix must first ignite.” — Janet Fitch
Misfortune befalls even the best of us
Perhaps it sounds trite, but it does reflect reality.
The sorrow some individuals bear is often inexplicable and seems drastically unfair.
However, a more precise phrase would be “misfortune strikes everyone”.
Consider me a counselor, but I cannot name a single person who has journeyed through life without experiencing disappointment or failure, typically on a monumental scale.
At times, failure offers a chance for self-discovery; at other times, it spurs growth; however, sometimes, we simply need to accept it and redirect our focus elsewhere.
The real test lies in preventing the negative emotions associated with failure from chipping away at our personalities, from dictating our self-worth.
From defining the trajectory of our lives.
“Failure ought to serve as our mentor, not our gravedigger. Failure signifies a delay, not a defeat. It is a momentary diversion, not a cul-de-sac. The only way to evade failure is to refrain from saying, doing, or becoming anything.” — Denis Waitley
Embrace the Stumbles Along the Path
For many, the word “failure” is something to be evaded or bypassed. Instead of facing it, they cover it up with a veil of optimism, instantly jumping to the “learnings” or lessons it provides.
This evasion stems from a fear of failure, deeply linked with feelings of shame – an emotion we are hardwired to deflect. This sense of shame makes us feel flawed or inadequate, and it’s largely due to our individual and societal conditioning.
Yet, failure does not need to be a dreaded or silenced topic. There’s no need to view it as a disaster or a distressing event. It should absolutely not be perceived as such.
Instead, think of it as just a fact of life. An unavoidable circumstance. It’s proof that we’re living, taking risks, and challenging ourselves. It allows us to explore our identity more deeply.
Elizabeth Day, a bestselling author and podcast host of “How to Fail with Elizabeth Day,” cultivated a thriving business from her own experiences of failure. She sold her wedding dress from her “failed” marriage on eBay to finance the first episodes of her podcast.
Day views failure as a vital part of growth. She believes that by facing every aspect of life — the good and the bad — we gain a fuller understanding of our experiences. If we examine our past and ask what it’s teaching us, we won’t be bound to repeat the same mistakes.
By choosing to learn from our failures, she says, we can redefine what we view as success.
“Success, to me, is about expressing the truest, most authentic version of myself in every corner of my life…”
It’s a definition that we could all do well to hold onto as we navigate the winding paths of our own lives.
Ultimately, at the end of our lives, no one is tallying our failures or successes, counting our awards or achievements, or checking how many relationships we’ve lost.
No one is making an inventory of your life’s accomplishments (unless they’re after your wealth). There’s no score being kept of your endeavors.
The one who holds that power is you.
At the end, the strength to scrutinize your past failures may elude you. Even if you had the energy, there will be no time left to rectify them.
However, one regret might endure — that you didn’t live authentically. A regret that you failed to live a life that truly mirrored your essence, rather than conforming to the expectations of your mother, your best friend, or your social media followers. A regret that you didn’t fully express the talents and passions within you.
To reveal your raw, untamed, and authentic self.
Unmistakably human.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” – Carl Jung
